


no crime in flirting

by orphan_account



Category: Easy Allies RPF, Gametrailers RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Library, Flirting, M/M, Mentions of drugs, i guess, some comical misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-06
Updated: 2016-09-06
Packaged: 2018-08-13 08:35:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7969786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s very rare that Huber actually sees a cute person walk through the doors of the library. Well. It’s rare that Huber sees a cute person walk through the doors of the library that Brad doesn’t start to flirt with as soon as they pick up a horror novel. But miracles happen every once in a lifetime or so.</p>
            </blockquote>





	no crime in flirting

Huber has always loved libraries. It’s no help that he practically grew up in one, going to work with his mother and sitting under the counter by her feet, reading books that were far too advanced for him as she gave book recommendations above him, titles that would worm their way onto his reading list. He also just really, really loves books. He’s a sucker for that feel, that weight in his hands, a tangible story, and a collection of someone else’s memories or ideas that he can live through alongside them. He did try to read a digital book one time and it ended up with a shattered picture frame, a lost cat, and running out of coffee four times in one day. He’s still not quite sure how that happened, but it did.

He graduated college with a degree in Library Sciences and a guaranteed position at a small local library that housed an oddly expansive book collection. Following in his mother’s footsteps, just like people used to say he would.

Some, or more likely most, would argue that being a librarian is a boring job, books are a boring media and you have to be around them all day, oh my God, how do you survive? Huber would respond with how could you say that, books are the closest we're ever going to get to teleporting, excuse you, you started this conversation and I have a degree in it so you’re sure as hell going to listen to me now.

Being a librarian is plenty interesting, believe Huber when he says so. You get to see the books people checkout and even that is a tiny window into people’s lives. Huber may never see these people again, but he knows that the girl with the red hair loves sci-fi and the guy with the pink hair loves romance and they definitely asked each other out in the autobiography section and checked out a sci-fi romance novel to read together. That could be the plot of a book on its own.

Okay, and maybe being a librarian can be a little boring at times, when no customers are around and all the books are stocked, but he’s literally surrounded by things to do and it might also help that his best friend works there. Brad Ellis who is phenomenally bad at alphabetizing, but knows the back covers of almost every book on their shelves and can recite them on cue. Brad Ellis who can spend forty minutes debating the finer points of literature and then turn around and read the shortest, dullest picture book in the world of a group of tiny kids.

It’s the middle of a Wednesday, Huber is scanning a couple of books for one of their regular customers.

“Branching out, Ian?” Brad leans onto the counter beside Huber, poking at the stack of novels. “Is this a horror novel I see or do my eyes deceive me?”

“No, you’re right.” Ian laughs and slides Huber her library card. “Decided to try something a little different, I’ve read enough poetic novels for a little while, at least!”

“Dude.” Brad’s eyes light up in a way that can only be described as manic. “Get this, poetic horror novels.”

“You’ve got to be joking.” Ian shakes her head, playing along. “Golly, Brad, there’s no way that could work!”

“No, no, like actually, they’re so good. I read one about a small town on a dimensional convergence point and this group of girls has to try and stop i- I’m giving you spoilers. But all you need to know is that it’s good and it’s pretty darn gay.” Brad puts his hands down on the counter for emphasis and Huber snorts.

“Is that how you judge books, Brad? And here I am, letting you order stock.” Huber sighs. “We’re going to end up with all of the good books and people will come from far and wide to read our queer fiction collection.”

“That sounds amazing, honestly, and do you know how much I would love to read that? Do you think you could reserve it for me if you have it?” Ian asks, slipping the other books into her messenger bag.

“Oh, I’ll one up that.” Brad smirks, ducking under the counter. He resurfaces a few seconds later with a copy in his hands. “This is my personal one, you’re lucky I decided to re-read it today.”

“Oh, I can’t take it from you then! You’re in the middle of it.” Ian protests and Brad slides it across the counter.

“I’ve read it eight times, I can hold out a little bit longer.” Brad says and Ian nods, taking the book in her hands and pressing it against her chest.

“Alright, then. I’ll get it back to you as soon as I finish it. See you!” She waves as she walks out. As soon as the doors close, Huber turns to Brad.

“You need to stop flirting with the regulars.” He reprimands. “Like, what the hell? You weren’t reading that this morning, you planned this.”

“If I heard her mention in passing that she needed a poetic horror novel in her life, there’s no crime in that. If I happened to own a gay poetic horror novel that I decided to loan her, there’s no crime in that.” Brad leans closer, smiling. “And I’m not sure if you know this one, Huber, but there’s no crime in flirting, either.”

“I don’t think there’s a crime in flirting.” Huber mumbles. Brad crosses his arms.

“You just don’t like to see me flirting because you can’t flirt to save your life.” Brad steps back, triumphant. “Maybe you should take lessons.”

“Maybe you should learn to al-”

“Excuse me?” They both turn, surprised, and there’s someone else at the counter. Tall and lanky and wearing a dark blue hoodie. He chuckles, nervously. “I don’t know if I’m interrupting a librarian duel or something, but I’m pretty sure one of you dying in full view wouldn’t be good for business.” Brad laughs, clapping Huber on the back.

“Oh, no, no, Huber’s just mad because I’m better at flirting than he is.” Brad explains and Huber shakes his head, rolling his eyes in an exemplary display of distaste and disapproval. “Librarian duels consist of aggressively quoting Shakespeare and other classic novels.”

“I legit hope you choke.” Huber says, shrugging Brad’s arm off of him. Brad tilts his head, hair falling from its place.

“Wait, which one is that? Is that Pride and Prejudice? Tale of Two Cities?” Brad asks and Huber puts his hands over his face, ashamed. Who is this man and why is he pretending he knows Huber? Why is he the worst person that Huber has ever met? Huber isn’t sure.

“What can I help you with?” Huber says to the guy still standing there. “Notice how I say ‘I’ because Brad is useless and does nothing around here but flirt and be annoying.”

“Excuse you, I do all the labelling.” Brad puts a hand over his heart, wounded. “How could you say something like that, Huber? You hurt me, the pain! Irreversible pain! Ah! I will bleed to death! Huber! Huber, why? I thought you loved me!”

“If you die you can’t flirt anymore.” Huber reminds him and Brad instantly straightens, hand dropping back to his side. “Faker. Anyway,” He turns his attention back to the guy across the counter who looks like he’s on the verge of either crying or laughing, “what do you need help with? I’m so sorry about all of this.”

“No, no, it’s good. This is much better than the libraries I used to go to.” He wrinkles his nose. “Like, the lady who ran my elementary one told me I couldn’t read books about Barbies because they were ‘for girls’ and I didn’t really want to read them anyway, but I wanted to prove a point, so I checked them out and read them all.”

“Are you even real?” Brad murmurs, looking skeptical. The guy blinks.

“Uh, yes? I think so, anyway. Okay, wait, you asked me what I needed help with, yeah, I need some book recommendations.” He looks at the back of his hand, squinting. “Fantasy, I think? I don’t know, my friend told me to ‘read up or throw down’ and I can’t really fight, so.”

“Alright, well, we can help with that! You’re going to need a card, so if you can just sign your name at the bottom, you’ll be good to go.” Huber hands him one of the blank cards and a Sharpie.

“Kyle Bosman.” He says as he writes it out, then looks up. “Okay, so I keep this, right?” Brad nods.

“Yep! It’s how we hunt you down if you turn in a book late. We have this good cop bad cop thing going on.” Brad winks, poking Huber in the side.

“Who’s who, though?” Kyle asks.

“I’m the bad cop, obviously.” Brad straightens his collar as if that proves everything. It doesn’t. It raises more questions as Huber raises an eyebrow.

“How can you be bad? You are actually sweet? And nice?” Huber tries to remind him.

“Also, bad Brad doesn’t have a good ring to it.” Kyle points out and Brad clicks his tongue.

“Well, I guess I’m not, then. But neither are you, Mike. We’re going to end up being good cop good cop…” Brad trails off.

“Buddy cop movies are making more in theaters than ever before. People want more of them.” Kyle shrugs. “But you know what I want more of? Fantasy books. Please. Help. Please. This is like A Plus banter, but I need some A Plus books because I will fall asleep right now if you don’t help me, I’m not even kidding, I will pass out on your counter, please. I am actually begging you here.”

“Alright, what you want to do is go to that first row of shelves.” Huber instructs, pointing to the front of the library. “That’s where all our book recs are. There shelves are all labelled by genre and it’s basically ones we think people should read, so pick any of those and you probably won’t end up getting beaten by your friend.”

“Alright, thank you.” Kyle nods and Huber watches as he disappears into the shelves.

“So.” Brad clears his throat. “I guess that thing about not flirting with the customers only applies to me because you want to take that guy out to dinner and end up living in the suburbs with a chain link fence and three dogs and I’ll either live next door or in your attic.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.” Huber laughs, pushing Brad gently. “You’ll sleep under the kitchen table and we’ll make you leave when we have company.”

“Dude. I’m not going to be your dog.” Brad shakes his head. “That’s just… No.”

“I thought you were including yourself as one of those three dogs.” Huber’s shoulders slump, disappointment written across his face as he tries not to laugh. “I was going to feed you scraps under the table during dinner.”

“Why don’t you let me, I don’t know, sit at the table? Like a human being? Because I am one?” Brad suggests. Huber looks at him for a moment, skeptical.

“Are you sure? Because judging by the way you flirt with literally everybody, I’d think you’d want to fuck all of them too.” Huber furrows his eyebrows. “Like a dog. In case that wasn’t clear.”

“Now you’re just being rude.” Brad frowns. “You’ve taken this too far. And people always said you were the nice one.”

“Okay, okay, fine.” Huber runs a hand across his face, thinking. “You get three free flirts with Ian. No reprimanding from me, no reminding of the library rules. You get to flirt.”

“I can make three flirts last a lifetime and a half.” Brad boasts, grinning. “If I never stop, it can just be one.”

“I literally hate you. I hope something falls on you. I’m going to make something fall on you.” Huber threatens, pointing at Brad in a way that would look nice and kind to any stranger walking by, mostly because of the huge smile on Huber’s face.

“Sure, sure, as if you can. You tried Scooby Doo tricks in elementary school and I’m still alive, what makes you think they’re going to work now?” Brad questions.

“Look, it took a lot of work to hang that piano, I thought you’d at least appreciate that.”

“It was a Casio keyboard, Huber.”

“Still a feat for a seven year old.”

“You were literally horrible. Speaking of horrible, I’ve got to go alphabetize these books, see you later!” Brad winks and does the finger guns thing which hasn’t been cool since they were in third grade, but he still insists on doing it, much to Huber’s dismay. He returns them, though.

“Remember, ‘p’ comes after ‘o’!” Huber calls after him as Brad ducks around the counter. He turns around, straightening the pens and bookmarks on the desk. And then he looks up.

And he realizes why Brad was so quick and excited to go alphabetize and organize.

The one and only Kyle Bosman has emerged from the bookshelves, four books clutched tightly to his chest.

Damn it, Brad.

Their eyes meet and Kyle smiles just the tiniest bit, mouth lifting at the corners.

God damn it, Brad.

Kyle takes a step forward and his foot catches on the carpet, he falls flat on his face and on top of the books.

God fucking damn it, Brad.

Kyle nearly bangs his knees against the counter as he jumps over it, rushing over to help Kyle up. He offers a hand to the disheveled man on the floor and he takes it, let himself be pulled up as he takes wheezing breaths and clutches at his ribs, fingers digging into his shirt and skin.

“You okay?” Huber asks, running his hands over Kyle’s hoodie, freeing the fabric of any dust. Kyle nods, still struggling to breathe in, looking like he might collapse at any moment. Huber bends down and picks up the books he dropped, stacking them in his arms.

“Oh, you picked out _Glass Heart_!” Huber grins, flipping open the cover and scanning over the inside summary, even though he’s read it eight times. “Literally nobody checks this out, it makes me so sad. This is one of my favourites. Can you believe I had to fight Brad for its place on the shelf? And in exchange he put a transcript of WALL-E in the sci-fi one?”

“I can- I can believe that, yes.” Kyle wheezes and Huber can’t tell if he’s laughing or still having trouble breathing. He hopes it’s the first one. “I’ve met him once and yes. Yes, I believe that. And it looks good.”

“It’s so good.” Huber agrees, quickly. “One of the bests. And you’ve got _Andromeda Day_! A man after my own heart.”

“Your ‘ _Glass_ _Heart_ ’ you could say.” Kyle says, then immediately pulls a face, grimacing like the words left a sour taste on his tongue. “I’m so sorry, that was horrible. I am so sorry.”

“Do you apologize with all of your… ‘ _Glass_   _Heart_ ’?” Huber smirks and Kyle groans, shaking his head.

“I shouldn’t have put this train in motion. I should have slammed on those breaks.” Kyle shakes his head, taking the books from Huber’s hands and restacking them in his arms.

“Slammin’ them on, man, you’re making my day.” Huber laughs and Kyle’s eyes light up. Huber freezes, realizing his mistake. His fatal, fatal mistake. The mistake which will cost him precious time, ultimately ending with his death and the end of the world, the collapse of every atom and micron and star in known existence and unknown inhabitance. “Kyle, don’t s-”

“Making your ‘ _Andromeda_ _Day_ ’?” Kyle asks, grinning widely. Huber groans, pushing his hands across his face.

“Jesus Christ.” He murmurs as Kyle snickers softly, more of a heavy exhale than any kind of laugh. “Jesus actual Christ. Oh my God, I’m going to die. You’re going to kill me. You’re the absolute worst. I only let you get away with it for this long because you’re cute, but now I’m rethinking it.” Kyle flushes, biting his lip.

“S-sorry, I’ll stop.” He looks down at the books in his arms then back up at Huber. “Do you want to, like, help me? With checking out?”

“Depends.” Huber hums, tilting his head to the side. “Are you checking out the books or are you checking out me?” From somewhere between the bookshelves, Brad fails at stifling a shriek.

“Uh.” Kyle says, the absolute epitome of eloquence as he flushes even redder. “Uh. Well. Books. No, I mean- The books. Just lo- Give me the books, please.” Huber snorts.

“Sure.” He leads Kyle back to the counter and ducks under. Kyle sets the books down and Huber paws them towards himself, scanning them, quickly.

“You’re going to enjoy _Glass Heart_.” Huber promises, flipping it open one last time, sliding a bookmark in the back cover before handing it to Kyle. “Don’t forget to bring it back, yeah? Have a nice day.” Kyle nods, gathering the books into his arms once again.

“Yeah, you day. Wait. You too, have a good day.” Kyle bites his lip, then turns around. He stumbles on the carpet again, barely catching himself and freezing. He stands, carefully, and nearly runs into the glass door. Kyle doesn’t turn around as he pulls it open slowly and then rush outside.

“Well, you can’t say he’s not your type.” Brad sidles up beside Huber, draping himself across the counter.

“He is literally a noodle.” Huber argues and Brad raises an eyebrow.

“A noodle with _feelings_.” Brad stresses. “You’ve always liked noodle people.”

“Actually shut up, okay. Leave me alone, Brad.”

“Kyle looks like straight up spaghetti too. Nothing that complicated, just the good old spaghet.”

“You literally left off one syllable, that doesn’t need to be done. Spaghetti doesn’t need to be shortened.”

“Kyle Spaghet Bosman.”

“You think I won’t choke you. You hope I won’t choke you.”

“I know you wo- Fuck!”

The rest of the day passes without interruption or the sudden appearance of cute noodle people again. Brad keeps sliding Huber books with titles such as _How to Flirt: For Picking Up Guys, Gals, and People Who Disregard That Gender Nonsense_ ; _Flirting 101_ , _Cute People and How To Talk To Them While Boosting Your Self Confidence and Also Stopping Your Addiction To Hiding In the Garbage;_ and _Get It The Hell Together, Tim, You’re Not Useless and People Absolutely Want To Talk To You, You’re an Interesting Gay Person With So Much To Offer and I Have Literally Written A Book To Help You Interact With People and Talk To Them Without Wanting To Die Happy Fucking Fifth Anniversary, Sweet Heart, I Love You and So Do Other People_. Huber is really not sure how that last one made it’s way into the library, but it’s definitely there now.

The clock has just ticked past 9:05 the next morning when Kyle Spaghet Bosman comes pushing through the doors. Huber really wants to punch Brad because this nickname is never going to leave his waking mind. Or his sleeping mind. Fuck. Brad nudges him slightly as Kyle comes strolling over, a certain sense of purpose evidence in his footsteps. Huber raises his hand, about so say hello and-

Kyle slams _Glass Heart_ straight onto the counter, making a surprising amount of noise in the near-silent library. Huber blinks, stunned, and Kyle looks fucking furious.

“I don’t know who the hell you think are.” Kyle spits, words falling heavy. “I know I’m not like actually attractive or very good with people, but I don’t really care what the hell you think about me, you don’t do stuff like this. You don’t lead someone on like this. You don’t- You don’t flirt! You don’t act like you’re interested and then do- do-” He gestures wildly at the book. “This!”

“What?” Huber finally manages, confused. He can feel Brad shifting awkwardly behind him.

“I- I ended up texting a drug dealer! And getting a death threat!” Kyle runs a hand through his hair, exhaling quickly. “Like, what the actual fuck! I was flirting! With a drug dealer!”

“I’m sorry?” Huber offers, still not completely clued into the situation. “I don’t think I understand what happened.” Kyle pulls the book back toward him and flips it open to the very back. He turns the book back towards Huber and jabs a finger at something scrawled on it.

“This.” He states. “Is not your phone number. You gave me a fake number. Which is the number of a drug dealer. A drug dealer! Why would you even do this, it’s so indescribably ru-”

“Kyle.” Huber interrupts, looking up. “This is not my number.”

“Well, no shit it’s not.” Kyle says, dryly. Huber shakes his head.

“No, Kyle, this isn’t my number. I didn’t give you my number. These,” Huber runs his fingers over the scrawled numbers, “are the due dates from when people have checked it out.” Kyle looks at it for a moment, then groans, slapping his hand to his face.

“I’m such an idiot.” He murmurs, words muffled by his hand. “Oh my God, I’m so dumb. I’m so dumb, oh my God. I’m so sorry, I’m so, so sorry. I was wondering about those slashes too, oh God. I’ve just. I have fucked everything up. Oh my God, I’m so sorry, I’m like actually the worst, I’m just going to leave and never come back, oh gee.”

“Are you alright?” Huber asks, closing the book on the counter. Kyle nods, still covering his face.

“Dying from embarrassment, but.” He shrugs, letting his hands fall back by his sides. “I’m really sorry, it’s just, well, stuff like this has happened before, and it should be just another drop in the well, I guess, but the well is kind of full and overflowing. I’m sorry.”

“It’s really okay.” Huber reassures him. “I’m so sorry people are like actually horrible. And wait, hang on, how did you end up texting a drug dealer?” Kyle groans.

“So, I texted what I thought was your number, just saying hi, and then the person replied with a ton of syringe emojis and asking me if i wanted to hit it tonight.” Kyle says and Brad barely contains a laugh behind Huber. “So, I was like no? Who is this? And they answered Stephen from West Corner with the good shit, I can hook you up, just got some new ziploc bags. I had to jump out of that conversation real quick.” Kyle glances around, clears his throat. “Yeah, I’m gonna like. Get out of your hair. And actually let you work, I’m so sorry about this.”

“Wait!” Huber pulls out a bookmark and a pen, scrawling something down quickly across the blank back. He hands it to Kyle. “This is my actual number, in case you wanted it.”

“No drugs here?” Kyle smiles, reading it over. Huber shakes his head.

“None.” Huber assures him. “Just good books and good times all around. We should grab dinner sometime, yeah?”

“Yeah.” Kyle smiles, nodding, pockets the bookmark. “Yeah. I’ll text you about it. And not Stephen. Actually, wait, does eight tonight work for you? Your pick of places?”

“Sounds like a plan, I’ll text you about it this time.” Huber creases his brow. “Except I don’t have your number. Shit.”

“I’ll text you, and then you text me the place.” Kyle compromises and Huber nods, grinning. “Okay. Cool. I’ll, uh, I’ll see you tonight, then. Bye, Huber, bye, Brad.” He waves as he walks through the doors.

“I can not believe that you got a date with paghet man before I got a date with Ian.” Brad grumbles, pushing Huber lightly. “So unfair.”

“You could change that really easily, though.” Brad turns, spinning, and sees Ian smirking at him from the end of the counter. “If you wanted to.”

“Uh. Yes. Yeah. Yep. Definitely.” Brad manages. “So. Seven tonight? So we can beat them?” Ian smiles, nodding.

“Works for me.” She strolls over, placing a card on the counter in front of Brad. “Text me about it.” And she leaves without a book in her hands.

“Well.” Huber remarks, watching her walk out. “What a day for Bradley.”

“Shut up, you haven’t had a date since high school.”

“Maybe I was waiting for the perfect noodle man.”

“Oh, yes, of course. Kyle Spaghet Bosman.”

“I will actually hurt you. You’re not even on the other side of the counter, I could jump you right here.”

“You know as well as I do that Kyle Bosman loves and actually is spaghetti.”

If Kyle does order spaghetti that night, Huber doesn’t explain why he chokes on his water while Kyle orders and has to down the rest of his cup and Kyle’s to stop choking. He also definitely does not mention it to Brad. Never in a million years.

Kyle does, though, in passing, and Brad the legitimate librarian ends up being shushed by an old woman in the library because he was laughing far too loudly for the quiet environment.

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> n i c e. find me on tumblr @ taptaptapping.tumblr.com i take prompts and stuff. plus if you just want to talk headcanons. please. talk to me.


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